Who I am

(I wrote this in 2006 and just recently found it again... I guess I needed the reminder :)

What you do, your actions and your job, are not who you are. Seems simple enough; I’ve heard lots of people say this statement, in fact people everywhere quote it like they know it to be true.

Truth is I’ve said it before too. I told people out of frustration, that my job did not define who I was. The frustration was there because I was not satisfied by my job and I was insecure about what it said about me. At the time, my friends were electrical engineers, executives in their companies, managers, directors, teachers, etc. So what was the picture I saw of myself? Failure.

I’ve just recently discovered that my life’s pride (self worth), confidence and self-esteem have always been based on what I did. Not just my job, but how I proved myself in any situation… was how I performed. This could be displayed by singing on stage or in a choir, the first question out of my mouth every time I was done…. “How did I do?” The question should have been… well, there shouldn’t have been a question.

It was displayed at work. Anytime I felt that I had messed up, it was more than a mistake it was a failure. I was a failure. Therefore, I made the company look like a failure, and it was all my fault.

So what happens to pride (self worth) confidence and self esteem when you have failed and knocked your foundation out from under yourself? It disappears too. Then you are left with a great big defense mechanism to put to work. Because apparently, there is a demand inside you that requires you to know that you count for something. So when you have lost your worth and failed, that means that something inside you snaps, and you are left with fighting for something that you don’t even believe exists. Your worth. Basically, you are left with an ugly defense that only comes out when you are threatened by your inability to succeed.

Confused? So was I. I didn’t believe that I had anything to offer. I was/ am fat; I thought that defined my beauty. I am short; I thought that defined my part of ability. I was strong; I thought that defined my feminity. I only had a high school diploma. I thought that made me second class. Basically, anything I did have I thought was worthless.

Then I was told all these wonderful things about my features, personality, presence, voice etc. I believed them to be lies. Because all previous experience told me that I was worthless. I was told by a boy that I liked that I made him sick with even the idea of dating me. I was told that I was useless and definitely not worth dating if no one else had wanted to date me. I was told that my family was the reason that I could not be dated. I was told that my name should have been bacon instead of Megan because that described me better.


See what I mean? Absolutely worthless. I wasn’t worth a plug nickel, as my mom says.

My experiences, which I told everyone didn’t affect me, did in fact change my perspective of what I was and what I had to offer this world. I didn’t fight for schooling, because what would I go for, after all I couldn’t do anything that was worth anything. I didn’t go after a career, because after all I didn’t have any skills.
And I definitely didn’t go after any more guys because, well what would they see, but what I had already been told was there?

So for the longest time (actually my entire “adult” life), everything that I believed I had that was worth anything, was the works that I did. Whether it was using the office skills I had learned, or working with children, these were what I based my confidence on.

Now I’m sitting here and being told that what I do is not who I am. Then who the heck am I? Working was the one thing I could offer this world, was the only thing I based my confidence in and now you are telling me that it’s not who I am?!!?

Taking my work away from me is like taking an actors career away from them. They have shown the whole world that this is what they do for a living. So to take it away from them not only takes their identity away, but also their livelihood. This is what has just happened to me.

My job was taken away. I wish I could even say that I was fired or something, but no. God lead me away, and told me to leave. I said I’ll do things in my own timing, thank you very much; He said no, leave NOW, then proceeded to make things very difficult for me, until I finally did obey.

Now not only have I left my job, but it had turned into my passion in life, so that was taken away too. In fact my passion and dreams were taken away from me twice. Part of my works based identity went with both of them.

Right at this moment, I am sitting in a place where all my confidence has left me. I can’t find a job and I’m in anguish every time someone asks what I do for a living. That question by the way is one of the most popular in American society. But that is another subject for another day.

I hate being asked what I do, why? Because I have no job and that in my head has been the same thing as having no identity or worth or confidence or anything. I feel like a failure every time someone decides to ask that question.

So who am I? Who do I say I am when asked this question? What do I place my identity in now? Well, right now it’s being removed and replaced, into where it should have been in the first place. In my heavenly Father.

My identity is this, I am His daughter. A princess. Beautifully created in His image. Like any daughter I have the inheritance of my Father. What daughter doesn’t have their Father’s love, unconditional, unhindered, inconceivable, and non- works based LOVE.

One of my biggest loves in life right now is children. And it was brought to my attention that the way that I love those kids is in a way the same way the Father loves me. Just being with kids makes me smile, they can even be naughty as all get out and still I can smile about them. Same with the Father. I make Him smile, even when I’m as naughty as all get out.

There are some children that literally squeal with delight when I walk in a room, so does my Father.

There are some kids that ask their parent’s to leave so I can come and be with them. My Father asks people and things to leave so He can be with me.

I watch the little kids sleep, they are so peaceful and beautiful I just can’t help it. My Father can’t help but watch me.

My new identity is a much stronger foundation for life, because no one on this earth or around it can take it away from me. No one can threaten me with my inability to be loved by my Father, because only He can do that. And He won’t.

Work is not who I am anymore. I guess it kinda helped that all work was taken away from me, so I could see how worthless it is. What is worth EVERYTHING is my Father and His LOVE for me.

And guess what!? I am no longer worthless, ugly, unable or unfeminine. I am above all things HIS, and that my friend makes me BEAUTIFUL.