Passionate Pursuit

This week has been interesting. A time when I feel like I was turning away yet again, and instead of the normal proceedings, I heard him calling me home.

Somewhere in the middle of last week I heard the voice of my Father saying “O Lord, you have searched me and known me, you know when I sit down and when I rise up; you understand my thought from afar…etc” I heard him telling me that no matter what I was thinking or how bad I was- I was not going to get rid of him and his plans for me. It captured my heart/mind/spirit/ soul. I was mesmerized by this God of mine.

You see, for months I have been praying- actually it’s more like years- that God would show me where he wanted me or more like it- I prayed that he would develop in me a passion that defined where and what he wanted me to do. I believe he gave me a glimpse of that vision several years ago; I got so excited that I started making calls on it right away and thinking that was going to be my next job. Boy was I disappointed when I got this job at Miedema’s. Not that they were bad, but it wasn’t this beautiful vision!

The more that I’ve been praying lately – the more I feel like this vision is getting closer. The closer it gets the more inadequate I feel. The more inadequate I feel- the more I fear and have the tendency to run away.

So, I’ve been not running, but I have been turning away. I fear the changes and yet I’m excited about them too… tell me how that makes any sense? I know that the world in which I live is going to change dramatically- and yet I still fear it. What’s wrong with me? But this week I have found my LORD chasing me. I’ve felt it down to my toes. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that my LORD wants me and loves me.

It started with Psalms 139 going through my head over and over again. I heard him telling me in those words that I am not getting away. Then as I was listening to the radio I hear other people talk about their own journey and the fact that they run away too when they are bad, or are afraid. In fact it wasn’t even one of my favorite bands, but I love this song now. (10^th Avenue North- By Your Side.)

As I listened to them explain the song and how it’s God speaking to us when we turn away from him and how he’s begging us to turn to him… it broke another part of me. I understood immediately that the message was for me. I don’t even listen to that station –hardly ever! “Megan- don’t turn from me- turn to my arms and lean on them!!! This isn’t yours, it’s mine!”

Then as I was planning/ studying the lesson for the kids this week in church… funny how the lesson more and more lately seems to be for me – more than the kids... I heard him speak again. The lesson was on Moses and how he was complaining to God that he wasn’t right for the job. Well, I had to laugh. It was almost the very thing that I was saying to God too. Moses and I connected right there- I finally understood his pathetic whine to the Most High God. I mean God created him, knew him, and wasn’t afraid of using him and yet Moses had the gall to complain about not being right for the job… and so do I.

I went to bed that night realizing that I can’t ever say anything negative about any of the men or women of the Bible… I’m just as messed up as they are! And that I obviously have to pay attention because it seems as if God is working overtime to get my thick skull to listen to him!

The topper of all my musings came when Rod spoke yesterday. He spoke on another blockhead that I identify with… Peter. Rod outlined yesterday that Jesus was fully aware, fully prepared and in no way disgusted with Peter for his denial, but was interceding on Peter’s behalf. Amazing! All this time… I fall away and feel as if God is ready to hammer me, and yet he’s been interceding for me. Always waiting, always wanting that relationship with me. Wow….!

I too am a blockhead. In case you couldn’t figure that out. I mess up all the time and wonder constantly as to why anyone, much less the Most High God, would want anything to do with me. But this week I feel – loved, pursued, treasured, and cherished. I know that he wants me back and pursuing to be like him. I am nothing more than a blockhead disciple…

So, now as I sit here and write all this down I realize again that even though these things are true, my Father is pursuing me and waiting for me to pursue Him with everything I am (as a true disciple), I am still afraid.

I know that true devotion is a matter of choice sometimes and I know that as of right now I have a very big choice to make. Am I going to let fear overtake me, or am I going to overtake fear with the hand of Jesus and do what He’s called me to do?

What has he called me to and why am I so afraid?

1. I feel very confidently that God is leading me further into the vision He gave me years ago. A vision of children- fostered, adopted, and living in the neighborhood- running in and out of my home because it is a safe place. A place where children are ministered to in emotional/physical/ spiritual ways. A place to connect with the pets/ earth and people around them. My home, not an institution, not an orphanage, but a place for kids to be kids in a very God driven/focused way. This is the original vision.

2. This vision feels very small compared to the words that were given to me only a few months ago. I know it is just a piece – but I’m not sure I’m ready to share anymore.

3. This vision requires more than I can attain. A home, owned-not rented, furniture to fill it, people to support me and pray with me as this would be impossible without it, and of course money. I can’t work at a job and run this beautiful house, unless it’s a job I can do from home, and the current job I have is not it.

So what am I afraid of? Well, I’m afraid that I’m not the right person for the job. I’m afraid no one will listen to me. I’m afraid that I’ll fail this calling as I’ve failed everything else. I’m afraid that the circumstances to get started are never going to happen. I’m afraid that I’ve dreamed this all up and God is not in it at all…

I know that God has not given us the spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7) I know that God does not call us to something he doesn’t plan to control, fulfill, define, and enable. I have to keep trusting that He is going to do what is needed in order for me to fulfill what He has called me to. And NO I don’t need to send him extra voicemails and emails to remind him.

So, Father, my wonderful Father in Heaven,

I have felt your words, your pursuit, your grace and your love in a most powerful way this week. I have felt the calling of your Spirit within mine to say that I am yours and that is all I need to rely on.

I know that you have these plans for me and if they are yours you will bring them to pass. I pray Father that you will give me the strength to believe. I want to believe, forgive my unbelief.

I expel Satan in your name, knowing that the fear comes from him, and only to destroy what you have done in me.

Lord, I pray that as I move about this week that you would teach me to trust in you more, to rely on your promises and to remember that not only does my identity come from you, but so does my adequacy.

Through the blood and name of my Jesus,

Amen

(10^th Avenue North- By Your Side.)

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

'Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go