Passionate Pursuit

This week has been interesting. A time when I feel like I was turning away yet again, and instead of the normal proceedings, I heard him calling me home.

Somewhere in the middle of last week I heard the voice of my Father saying “O Lord, you have searched me and known me, you know when I sit down and when I rise up; you understand my thought from afar…etc” I heard him telling me that no matter what I was thinking or how bad I was- I was not going to get rid of him and his plans for me. It captured my heart/mind/spirit/ soul. I was mesmerized by this God of mine.

You see, for months I have been praying- actually it’s more like years- that God would show me where he wanted me or more like it- I prayed that he would develop in me a passion that defined where and what he wanted me to do. I believe he gave me a glimpse of that vision several years ago; I got so excited that I started making calls on it right away and thinking that was going to be my next job. Boy was I disappointed when I got this job at Miedema’s. Not that they were bad, but it wasn’t this beautiful vision!

The more that I’ve been praying lately – the more I feel like this vision is getting closer. The closer it gets the more inadequate I feel. The more inadequate I feel- the more I fear and have the tendency to run away.

So, I’ve been not running, but I have been turning away. I fear the changes and yet I’m excited about them too… tell me how that makes any sense? I know that the world in which I live is going to change dramatically- and yet I still fear it. What’s wrong with me? But this week I have found my LORD chasing me. I’ve felt it down to my toes. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that my LORD wants me and loves me.

It started with Psalms 139 going through my head over and over again. I heard him telling me in those words that I am not getting away. Then as I was listening to the radio I hear other people talk about their own journey and the fact that they run away too when they are bad, or are afraid. In fact it wasn’t even one of my favorite bands, but I love this song now. (10^th Avenue North- By Your Side.)

As I listened to them explain the song and how it’s God speaking to us when we turn away from him and how he’s begging us to turn to him… it broke another part of me. I understood immediately that the message was for me. I don’t even listen to that station –hardly ever! “Megan- don’t turn from me- turn to my arms and lean on them!!! This isn’t yours, it’s mine!”

Then as I was planning/ studying the lesson for the kids this week in church… funny how the lesson more and more lately seems to be for me – more than the kids... I heard him speak again. The lesson was on Moses and how he was complaining to God that he wasn’t right for the job. Well, I had to laugh. It was almost the very thing that I was saying to God too. Moses and I connected right there- I finally understood his pathetic whine to the Most High God. I mean God created him, knew him, and wasn’t afraid of using him and yet Moses had the gall to complain about not being right for the job… and so do I.

I went to bed that night realizing that I can’t ever say anything negative about any of the men or women of the Bible… I’m just as messed up as they are! And that I obviously have to pay attention because it seems as if God is working overtime to get my thick skull to listen to him!

The topper of all my musings came when Rod spoke yesterday. He spoke on another blockhead that I identify with… Peter. Rod outlined yesterday that Jesus was fully aware, fully prepared and in no way disgusted with Peter for his denial, but was interceding on Peter’s behalf. Amazing! All this time… I fall away and feel as if God is ready to hammer me, and yet he’s been interceding for me. Always waiting, always wanting that relationship with me. Wow….!

I too am a blockhead. In case you couldn’t figure that out. I mess up all the time and wonder constantly as to why anyone, much less the Most High God, would want anything to do with me. But this week I feel – loved, pursued, treasured, and cherished. I know that he wants me back and pursuing to be like him. I am nothing more than a blockhead disciple…

So, now as I sit here and write all this down I realize again that even though these things are true, my Father is pursuing me and waiting for me to pursue Him with everything I am (as a true disciple), I am still afraid.

I know that true devotion is a matter of choice sometimes and I know that as of right now I have a very big choice to make. Am I going to let fear overtake me, or am I going to overtake fear with the hand of Jesus and do what He’s called me to do?

What has he called me to and why am I so afraid?

1. I feel very confidently that God is leading me further into the vision He gave me years ago. A vision of children- fostered, adopted, and living in the neighborhood- running in and out of my home because it is a safe place. A place where children are ministered to in emotional/physical/ spiritual ways. A place to connect with the pets/ earth and people around them. My home, not an institution, not an orphanage, but a place for kids to be kids in a very God driven/focused way. This is the original vision.

2. This vision feels very small compared to the words that were given to me only a few months ago. I know it is just a piece – but I’m not sure I’m ready to share anymore.

3. This vision requires more than I can attain. A home, owned-not rented, furniture to fill it, people to support me and pray with me as this would be impossible without it, and of course money. I can’t work at a job and run this beautiful house, unless it’s a job I can do from home, and the current job I have is not it.

So what am I afraid of? Well, I’m afraid that I’m not the right person for the job. I’m afraid no one will listen to me. I’m afraid that I’ll fail this calling as I’ve failed everything else. I’m afraid that the circumstances to get started are never going to happen. I’m afraid that I’ve dreamed this all up and God is not in it at all…

I know that God has not given us the spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7) I know that God does not call us to something he doesn’t plan to control, fulfill, define, and enable. I have to keep trusting that He is going to do what is needed in order for me to fulfill what He has called me to. And NO I don’t need to send him extra voicemails and emails to remind him.

So, Father, my wonderful Father in Heaven,

I have felt your words, your pursuit, your grace and your love in a most powerful way this week. I have felt the calling of your Spirit within mine to say that I am yours and that is all I need to rely on.

I know that you have these plans for me and if they are yours you will bring them to pass. I pray Father that you will give me the strength to believe. I want to believe, forgive my unbelief.

I expel Satan in your name, knowing that the fear comes from him, and only to destroy what you have done in me.

Lord, I pray that as I move about this week that you would teach me to trust in you more, to rely on your promises and to remember that not only does my identity come from you, but so does my adequacy.

Through the blood and name of my Jesus,

Amen

(10^th Avenue North- By Your Side.)

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

'Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Can you hear me?

Its early morning and I stretch real big when I wake up. I look up and see the sun is shining- that’s good, mom’s always nicer when the sun is out.

I climb out of bed and shout “Good morning sun!” but there is no response, so I get ready for school. Today, I think I’ll wear the blue jumper. That lady from the church gave it to me.

Mom said that it’s too big and it looks stupid on such a skinny girl like me, but I don’t care. That lady said she thought I’d like it- and I do. Even though it’s old and it kinda smells.

I go down the hallway and see mom sitting over the toilet again. So, I get her a towel and help her get in the shower. She hates it when I talk, so I hum her favorite song as I brush my hair and put it in my favorite head band that that lady gave me too.

Mom gets out of the shower and yells at me to hurry, cause I’ll be late for school. If I’m late again she said I’d have to go live at someone else’s house like my brother. I love my mom; I don’t want to live with anyone else.

When I look at the clock it says 6:30 AM. And the bus doesn’t come until 7:30AM. But mom says she’s gonna whoop my ass if I don’t get going. So, I grab my bag and walk to the bus stop. I don’t mind really. The sun is shining today and it’s springtime and warm here in my town. At least the winter is gone and I don’t have to wear my brother’s old coat anymore.

My stomach growls and I realize I didn’t get my bread this morning. Well, at least lunch today is a good one- my favorite- Mac and cheese and hotdogs!

When the other kids get to the bus stop, they start making fun of my clothes- so I always wait behind the tree across the street; so I can see when the bus is coming. But I don’t have to talk to the other kids.

Except today one of the kid’s moms is passing out muffins for the kids to take if they want. And my stomach is growling something fierce. And she looks nice. But if I go over there the kids will call me names and maybe throw something at me. I’m afraid. So I don’t go.

The bus is coming down the street and the kids look so happy. I know the truth is that they are all mean and ready to have fun – with me as the favorite target. I have prayed before that god would stop the bullies from hurting me. But it never works. And the bullies only get bigger. I wish just this one time that the bus would come and the kids would forget about getting on it.

I like school. I like learning; I even like the homework that the teachers give me. I just don’t like the kids. The teachers never help either. So there’s a wish, a school with no kids or teachers.

Every day I walk the hallways and wonder what kind of pain is coming. Am I just going to get made fun of or am I going to get punched for my lunch ticket? Everyday someone else finds use of me for their amusement. Did I use that word right? Yeah, it was one of our spelling words. Amusement. Funny that that word isn’t fun to me.

I guess if the other kids got treated like this maybe they would stop. But nope, find one and use her. And guess what – I’m it.

The bus finally arrives and I have to get across the street and on it before it leaves, but I have to time it just right. Too early and I get pushed to the ground and dirty before the day starts, too late and I miss the bus. I run and wait just behind the bus and I get on just behind the last kid. Good. Maybe I can find a seat by myself and not get picked on. Nope. One kid in every seat. Now what?

I look at the back of the bus and the kids back there are daring me to come back there… but at least I’m too smart for that. The bus driver screams at me to sit down so I choose the closest seat to me. And then the names start.

Twiggy, stick girl, zipper, thin slice and my least favorite- invisible girl. Like no one can see me and no one cares.

I have often wondered what it must be like to be in a home with both a mommy and a daddy. To have a brother at home. To have someone love me. Maybe I am invisible girl.

Does anyone see me? Does anyone care? What would happen if I just didn’t catch the bus next time, and I found a ride to someplace cool, like California or… I know! I could go to Disney World!! They would see me there right?

If I stood up on this bus and screamed would anyone hear me?

FEAR DESPERATION ANXIETY

HOPELESSNESS!!!
___________________________________________________
Everyday a child somewhere within your reach is thinking and crying just like this little girl. Her heart is screaming for someone somewhere to tell her she is loved. Even if one person reaches out with a hand that says you matter, one more child’s life could be saved.

I’m hearing more and more of children- yes children thinking suicidal thoughts. Thinking that if no one cares – who cares? I have seen with my own eyes the empty, hollow, pain filled eyes of KIDS wanting someone to care.

In juvenile halls kids are feeling safe for the first time. Boundaries are set and they thrive- take them out and they mess up on purpose to be back in that safe place.

How did our world get so messed up that we allow our children to be raised in juvenile halls?

My passion is to have every child within my reach and within the reach of my family and friends to know – really know that there is someone that loves them. And if everyone here on earth forgets- He never forgets.

I want them to know that God loves them. Not the “I love you” from valentines cards from kids that were forced to pass them out, but real love. The kind that is there to listen to the names and soothe where the blisters are. To be the voice in the stillness that whispers comfort into the hearts of the broken.

I want them to know that God collects their tears and He counts the hairs on their head. He thinks about them so much that they couldn’t count how many thoughts are in His head.

I want them to believe – I want them to know – I want them to relish in this God that created them. I want them feel the hug from God’s arms around them and I want the juvenile halls to be empty.

I crave that every arm of every child know just once what it is like to be hugged- with a bear hug of love. I desire and dream and wish and want only to pursue to be the arms, legs, mouth and eyes of Jesus to every child that I meet.

When they cry – I cry and Jesus cries. When they starve, my heart and stomach ache with brokenness. When they are weak- I wish I could be their strength.

“My eyes fail because of tears, my spirit is greatly troubled. My heart is poured out on the earth because of the destruction of the daughter of my people, when little ones and infants faint in the streets of the city. They say to their mothers where is the grain and wine? As they faint like a wounded man. In the streets of the city as their life is poured out on their mothers bosom.” Lamentations 2: 11-12

I know that Jesus cared for little ones, over and over he used them to* illustrate in his teachings. I know that if he were on earth today our children would have him wailing in pain. And the anger he displayed in the temple I’m sure would be displayed in the plains of Africa; Orphanages in Asia, Europe, South America and in homes across North America.

God has me wired as a protector of these little ones. Passionate that they know love, that they know the Author of love and that they are cared for in every definition of that word.

I have yet to figure out why God has wired me so. I wonder if it’s for just one child, or if it’s for thousands? If it’s for the purpose of spurring others on in the care of the children around them or if I will have the pleasure of having the slimy, gooey hands on my clothes just before dinner? Will I be a mother- or the encourager of mothers?

The talents and abilities our Father has given me baffle me. I know that they are for a purpose, and I wait anxiously to find out how they can be put to work. They mean nothing if the tools aren’t in the Master’s hand.

Sign language, writing, singing, teaching, praying, children, crafting, painting, loving, prophesying, administration, computers, smarts, all of these are dung unless the Master is using them.

Although my heart is SCREAMING to be used in a way other than answering phones, I AM going to wait patiently and all the while learning to be content- where I’m at- so that God can be glorified even now.

The Father knows how and why he wired me like he did… I’m just waiting to find out myself.
*Matt. 18:1-6, 19:13-15, etc.

M. Ruth Smith
Spring 2008