Who I am

(I wrote this in 2006 and just recently found it again... I guess I needed the reminder :)

What you do, your actions and your job, are not who you are. Seems simple enough; I’ve heard lots of people say this statement, in fact people everywhere quote it like they know it to be true.

Truth is I’ve said it before too. I told people out of frustration, that my job did not define who I was. The frustration was there because I was not satisfied by my job and I was insecure about what it said about me. At the time, my friends were electrical engineers, executives in their companies, managers, directors, teachers, etc. So what was the picture I saw of myself? Failure.

I’ve just recently discovered that my life’s pride (self worth), confidence and self-esteem have always been based on what I did. Not just my job, but how I proved myself in any situation… was how I performed. This could be displayed by singing on stage or in a choir, the first question out of my mouth every time I was done…. “How did I do?” The question should have been… well, there shouldn’t have been a question.

It was displayed at work. Anytime I felt that I had messed up, it was more than a mistake it was a failure. I was a failure. Therefore, I made the company look like a failure, and it was all my fault.

So what happens to pride (self worth) confidence and self esteem when you have failed and knocked your foundation out from under yourself? It disappears too. Then you are left with a great big defense mechanism to put to work. Because apparently, there is a demand inside you that requires you to know that you count for something. So when you have lost your worth and failed, that means that something inside you snaps, and you are left with fighting for something that you don’t even believe exists. Your worth. Basically, you are left with an ugly defense that only comes out when you are threatened by your inability to succeed.

Confused? So was I. I didn’t believe that I had anything to offer. I was/ am fat; I thought that defined my beauty. I am short; I thought that defined my part of ability. I was strong; I thought that defined my feminity. I only had a high school diploma. I thought that made me second class. Basically, anything I did have I thought was worthless.

Then I was told all these wonderful things about my features, personality, presence, voice etc. I believed them to be lies. Because all previous experience told me that I was worthless. I was told by a boy that I liked that I made him sick with even the idea of dating me. I was told that I was useless and definitely not worth dating if no one else had wanted to date me. I was told that my family was the reason that I could not be dated. I was told that my name should have been bacon instead of Megan because that described me better.


See what I mean? Absolutely worthless. I wasn’t worth a plug nickel, as my mom says.

My experiences, which I told everyone didn’t affect me, did in fact change my perspective of what I was and what I had to offer this world. I didn’t fight for schooling, because what would I go for, after all I couldn’t do anything that was worth anything. I didn’t go after a career, because after all I didn’t have any skills.
And I definitely didn’t go after any more guys because, well what would they see, but what I had already been told was there?

So for the longest time (actually my entire “adult” life), everything that I believed I had that was worth anything, was the works that I did. Whether it was using the office skills I had learned, or working with children, these were what I based my confidence on.

Now I’m sitting here and being told that what I do is not who I am. Then who the heck am I? Working was the one thing I could offer this world, was the only thing I based my confidence in and now you are telling me that it’s not who I am?!!?

Taking my work away from me is like taking an actors career away from them. They have shown the whole world that this is what they do for a living. So to take it away from them not only takes their identity away, but also their livelihood. This is what has just happened to me.

My job was taken away. I wish I could even say that I was fired or something, but no. God lead me away, and told me to leave. I said I’ll do things in my own timing, thank you very much; He said no, leave NOW, then proceeded to make things very difficult for me, until I finally did obey.

Now not only have I left my job, but it had turned into my passion in life, so that was taken away too. In fact my passion and dreams were taken away from me twice. Part of my works based identity went with both of them.

Right at this moment, I am sitting in a place where all my confidence has left me. I can’t find a job and I’m in anguish every time someone asks what I do for a living. That question by the way is one of the most popular in American society. But that is another subject for another day.

I hate being asked what I do, why? Because I have no job and that in my head has been the same thing as having no identity or worth or confidence or anything. I feel like a failure every time someone decides to ask that question.

So who am I? Who do I say I am when asked this question? What do I place my identity in now? Well, right now it’s being removed and replaced, into where it should have been in the first place. In my heavenly Father.

My identity is this, I am His daughter. A princess. Beautifully created in His image. Like any daughter I have the inheritance of my Father. What daughter doesn’t have their Father’s love, unconditional, unhindered, inconceivable, and non- works based LOVE.

One of my biggest loves in life right now is children. And it was brought to my attention that the way that I love those kids is in a way the same way the Father loves me. Just being with kids makes me smile, they can even be naughty as all get out and still I can smile about them. Same with the Father. I make Him smile, even when I’m as naughty as all get out.

There are some children that literally squeal with delight when I walk in a room, so does my Father.

There are some kids that ask their parent’s to leave so I can come and be with them. My Father asks people and things to leave so He can be with me.

I watch the little kids sleep, they are so peaceful and beautiful I just can’t help it. My Father can’t help but watch me.

My new identity is a much stronger foundation for life, because no one on this earth or around it can take it away from me. No one can threaten me with my inability to be loved by my Father, because only He can do that. And He won’t.

Work is not who I am anymore. I guess it kinda helped that all work was taken away from me, so I could see how worthless it is. What is worth EVERYTHING is my Father and His LOVE for me.

And guess what!? I am no longer worthless, ugly, unable or unfeminine. I am above all things HIS, and that my friend makes me BEAUTIFUL.

Passionate Pursuit

This week has been interesting. A time when I feel like I was turning away yet again, and instead of the normal proceedings, I heard him calling me home.

Somewhere in the middle of last week I heard the voice of my Father saying “O Lord, you have searched me and known me, you know when I sit down and when I rise up; you understand my thought from afar…etc” I heard him telling me that no matter what I was thinking or how bad I was- I was not going to get rid of him and his plans for me. It captured my heart/mind/spirit/ soul. I was mesmerized by this God of mine.

You see, for months I have been praying- actually it’s more like years- that God would show me where he wanted me or more like it- I prayed that he would develop in me a passion that defined where and what he wanted me to do. I believe he gave me a glimpse of that vision several years ago; I got so excited that I started making calls on it right away and thinking that was going to be my next job. Boy was I disappointed when I got this job at Miedema’s. Not that they were bad, but it wasn’t this beautiful vision!

The more that I’ve been praying lately – the more I feel like this vision is getting closer. The closer it gets the more inadequate I feel. The more inadequate I feel- the more I fear and have the tendency to run away.

So, I’ve been not running, but I have been turning away. I fear the changes and yet I’m excited about them too… tell me how that makes any sense? I know that the world in which I live is going to change dramatically- and yet I still fear it. What’s wrong with me? But this week I have found my LORD chasing me. I’ve felt it down to my toes. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that my LORD wants me and loves me.

It started with Psalms 139 going through my head over and over again. I heard him telling me in those words that I am not getting away. Then as I was listening to the radio I hear other people talk about their own journey and the fact that they run away too when they are bad, or are afraid. In fact it wasn’t even one of my favorite bands, but I love this song now. (10^th Avenue North- By Your Side.)

As I listened to them explain the song and how it’s God speaking to us when we turn away from him and how he’s begging us to turn to him… it broke another part of me. I understood immediately that the message was for me. I don’t even listen to that station –hardly ever! “Megan- don’t turn from me- turn to my arms and lean on them!!! This isn’t yours, it’s mine!”

Then as I was planning/ studying the lesson for the kids this week in church… funny how the lesson more and more lately seems to be for me – more than the kids... I heard him speak again. The lesson was on Moses and how he was complaining to God that he wasn’t right for the job. Well, I had to laugh. It was almost the very thing that I was saying to God too. Moses and I connected right there- I finally understood his pathetic whine to the Most High God. I mean God created him, knew him, and wasn’t afraid of using him and yet Moses had the gall to complain about not being right for the job… and so do I.

I went to bed that night realizing that I can’t ever say anything negative about any of the men or women of the Bible… I’m just as messed up as they are! And that I obviously have to pay attention because it seems as if God is working overtime to get my thick skull to listen to him!

The topper of all my musings came when Rod spoke yesterday. He spoke on another blockhead that I identify with… Peter. Rod outlined yesterday that Jesus was fully aware, fully prepared and in no way disgusted with Peter for his denial, but was interceding on Peter’s behalf. Amazing! All this time… I fall away and feel as if God is ready to hammer me, and yet he’s been interceding for me. Always waiting, always wanting that relationship with me. Wow….!

I too am a blockhead. In case you couldn’t figure that out. I mess up all the time and wonder constantly as to why anyone, much less the Most High God, would want anything to do with me. But this week I feel – loved, pursued, treasured, and cherished. I know that he wants me back and pursuing to be like him. I am nothing more than a blockhead disciple…

So, now as I sit here and write all this down I realize again that even though these things are true, my Father is pursuing me and waiting for me to pursue Him with everything I am (as a true disciple), I am still afraid.

I know that true devotion is a matter of choice sometimes and I know that as of right now I have a very big choice to make. Am I going to let fear overtake me, or am I going to overtake fear with the hand of Jesus and do what He’s called me to do?

What has he called me to and why am I so afraid?

1. I feel very confidently that God is leading me further into the vision He gave me years ago. A vision of children- fostered, adopted, and living in the neighborhood- running in and out of my home because it is a safe place. A place where children are ministered to in emotional/physical/ spiritual ways. A place to connect with the pets/ earth and people around them. My home, not an institution, not an orphanage, but a place for kids to be kids in a very God driven/focused way. This is the original vision.

2. This vision feels very small compared to the words that were given to me only a few months ago. I know it is just a piece – but I’m not sure I’m ready to share anymore.

3. This vision requires more than I can attain. A home, owned-not rented, furniture to fill it, people to support me and pray with me as this would be impossible without it, and of course money. I can’t work at a job and run this beautiful house, unless it’s a job I can do from home, and the current job I have is not it.

So what am I afraid of? Well, I’m afraid that I’m not the right person for the job. I’m afraid no one will listen to me. I’m afraid that I’ll fail this calling as I’ve failed everything else. I’m afraid that the circumstances to get started are never going to happen. I’m afraid that I’ve dreamed this all up and God is not in it at all…

I know that God has not given us the spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7) I know that God does not call us to something he doesn’t plan to control, fulfill, define, and enable. I have to keep trusting that He is going to do what is needed in order for me to fulfill what He has called me to. And NO I don’t need to send him extra voicemails and emails to remind him.

So, Father, my wonderful Father in Heaven,

I have felt your words, your pursuit, your grace and your love in a most powerful way this week. I have felt the calling of your Spirit within mine to say that I am yours and that is all I need to rely on.

I know that you have these plans for me and if they are yours you will bring them to pass. I pray Father that you will give me the strength to believe. I want to believe, forgive my unbelief.

I expel Satan in your name, knowing that the fear comes from him, and only to destroy what you have done in me.

Lord, I pray that as I move about this week that you would teach me to trust in you more, to rely on your promises and to remember that not only does my identity come from you, but so does my adequacy.

Through the blood and name of my Jesus,

Amen

(10^th Avenue North- By Your Side.)

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

'Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Trust and Faith

Trust and faith, Fear and Doubt

These are the words that are in my life in abundance right now. I know that they are all part in whole how I’m feeling.

Trust – Defined as: a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability and justice of another.
Faith – Defined as: unquestioning belief that does not need proof or evidence.

These are commands, a requirement of the Christian; because without them our God wouldn’t even exist- at least in the earthly realm. Because for Him to exist, we need to have faith that He is there, and then we need to trust that He is who He says He is.

I love how these two things, so essential in the daily walk of a Christian, are things that we fight with as much as we do. I know that is because the Enemy knows there won’t be Christians without faith and trust.

How can we who love Jesus say that we have trust issues? Last night while I was at prayer meeting a prayer warrior said that one of the reasons trust is so much on our list of things that God is teaching us is because we have had someone prove to be untrustworthy in our lives, and therefore leaving a gap in our ability to know what it means to trust without hindrance. I believe that she is right on a major level. Who among us hasn’t had someone in our lifetime prove to be untrustworthy?

If that is the case then shouldn’t there be a way that we can work past that and find the healing that we might need in order to trust God with all our hearts and no hindrances? I believe there is.

God has said that “All that call on His name shall be saved” (Rom.10:13)... which requires faith and trust. He also said “That all who come to me weary and with heavy burdens shall find rest” (Matt. 11:29). Another is that if you “Trust in the Lord with all your heart… he will direct your paths” (Prov. 3:5-6) . He said that for “Those who fear his name the Son of righteousness shall rise with healing in his wings and you will go free leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture” (Mal. 4:2).

I know that the God that healed all those people in the Bible didn’t leave them with emotional issues and mental issues when he healed the physical issues. I know that when they went away leaping and rejoicing that they were free from all injury. All pain of any kind was gone when they encountered the living God. So I can only conclude that just as God is able to this day to distribute physical healing he can also give out mental, emotional and spiritual healing to those who seek Him.

If these are indeed things that I know… then why do I have trouble trusting Him and having faith in Him? Maybe because sometimes, it’s not about what I know, but about the weapons the enemy is using- Otherwise known as Fear and Doubt.

Fear- Defined as: a feeling of anxiety and agitation caused by the presence or nearness of danger, evil, pain, etc.
Doubt- Defined as: a wavering of opinion or belief; lack of conviction; uncertainty; lack of trust or confidence.

I don’t find it coincidental that the tools that Satan uses are the very things that interfere with faith and trust. I also know that he is not above using whatever he can to defeat us when we’re down and go after us when we’re up. He is a lousy foe… no fairness can be found in him, and he uses a small measure of truth in order to convince us that there is validity in his accusations. He is sneaky, manipulative, and wrong. And we fall for it all the time.

The Bible describes our enemy Satan as “A roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Pet. 5:8) It also tells us that he has fiery arrows, strategies in place to take us down, we are in a battle against him (Eph. 6:11-16), he goes after the footholds (little crevices that don’t seem like much to us, are his breeding ground) (Eph. 4:27) he sets traps (2 Tim. 2:27), and works in and through our enemies (John 13:2).

Of course this is a foe that we would need to watch at every turn. We can’t assume that he would take a break from making us falter in our faith. A slacking and hurting Christian is one of his favorite things. Get to that point and of course he will leave you alone, you aren’t a threat anymore.

This leads us to conclude that if we are following hard after Christ and are doing what God has called us to, the enemy will be hard on our tails to trip us up. Which makes faith and trust all that more important. Do you see how it all works together like that? I do take comfort in the fact that God doesn’t leave us to ourselves in the midst of these struggles. He has promised to never fail us or abandon us (Heb. 13:5) And He has promised that He will never give us more than we can bear (1 Cor. 10:13)

I have found that the promises of God are more faithful and dependable than the threat of the enemy. Only because God is greater. If I falter in my faith and slack in my belief and trust, then guaranteed the enemy is there to help bring me down.

So, yeah, these words have been heavy on my heart and I wonder sometimes about why they are so important. And why when people are talking about what God is doing, they almost always say that God is teaching them to trust… interesting then isn’t it that it generally coincides with an attack from the enemy?

Faith and trust are tools to bring us closer to God and into His loving presence. Fear and doubt are the very tools that Satan uses to break us up.

M. Ruth Smith

2007

Naked and Wretched

Naked and wretched I come before the cross
Laying all of me down to count as loss
Ribbons and trophies mean nothing now
You consume all of me somehow.

Naked and wretched you saw me exposed
Full of hatred, anger and so disposed
My heart full of sin
Yet you welcomed me in
And now Lord Jesus, well, here we start again.

Days and nights are filling my life
Hopeless I flounder losing to strife
Christian works and good deeds abound
But among all the noise I miss your sound

Calling my name, whispering your words
I miss them and say “get ya afta wards”
How dumb am I? Have I forgotten,
That once I came all gross and rotten?

Naked and wretched, poor, lost and blind
I come to the cross I’ve left behind
Trophies and ribbons I’ve picked up
Have now become my hang up
Jesus, you see me now on my knees
Come work your miracle once again please.

The beauty of Your cross is the glory you showed there
At your feet there is not one sin left unpaid or bare
You in your glory know
How long this journey will go
My Jesus walk with me todayAnd maybe today I won’t forget to pray.

M. Ruth Smith

2007

I Choose...

I choose to trust You
Even when the view is slim
I choose to trust You
Even when my heart grows grim
I choose to trust You
When my paths are unclear
I choose to trust You
When the shadows bring a tear
I choose to trust You
When my finances are gone
I choose to trust You
I choose to trust You
When life is just no fun
I choose to trust You
When hope is fading fast
I choose to trust You
When life is at it’s last
I choose to trust You
For when this life is over
And I’m safely home at last
All my trusting is in Your favor
And I’ll see Your face and be held fast

M. Ruth Smith
2005

Change My Heart

Today I learned it’s not all about me
You gave your life to set me free
I give my heart freedom to roam
And focus on my world and home

The more I focus on me I find
The less I see of you in my mind
All my heart is programmed to see
Is things that concern or represent me
Now I know this is true
How much more then do I need you?

Change my heart
Rule my life
Capture all my mind with you
Change my heart
Rule my life
Redo all my world with you

My world is small and so untrue
And I so desperately long for you
My wandering heart sees no way
For you to show or guide the day
So instead of truth I choose the lie
And once again I feel I could die
Now this I know is true
How much more then do I need you?

Change my heart
Rule my life
Consume my thoughts with all of you
Change my heart
Rule my life
Reign in me and let me be true

Amazing! Victory is gained
And not one sin has left a stain
Jesus washed it all away
And now with him I plan to stay
Sin will tempt me of this I’m sure
But with Jesus I’ll stay pure
Now this I know is true
How much more then do I need you?

Jesus change my heart
And rule my mind
Consider all the cross has done
Jesus change my heart
And rule my mind
All I’ve done is count as dung

Again change my heart
And rule my mind
Capture my mind with you
Change my heart
And rule my mind
Redo all my world with you!